FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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