True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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