Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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