im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
