she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He better not be in your backpack
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
