woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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