the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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