No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
