It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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