you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
