remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
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