he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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