How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
