Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
