okay pat passed out under dana's car
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize