Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
