which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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