Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
