What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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