it wasn't lemon gatorade
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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