I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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