OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
