i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
