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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
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