Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
