You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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