the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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