So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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