You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Everything about him screamed your future.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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