mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
