No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize