he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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