Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
