i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize