a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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