I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
