K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Randomize
