that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
