Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
