dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
