His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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