bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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