i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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