Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
