Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
