32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
