Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
pray to the hookup gods
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
