u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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