There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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