You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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