Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What a dumb baby whore.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
