you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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