I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
