Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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