i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
