Welp...herpes.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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